Challenge made by Marsha Mathews: How can I convince my fiance to spend less time with his children and more time helping me plan our?
wedding and future?
Generally when persons divorce with children the man will get the children every other weekend and 2 weeks during the summers plus rotating holidays, this is not the case in my fiance’s parenting plan.
He gets his children every other weekend Friday night Saturday night then drops them off at 10 am on Sundays for church.
And he gets them every Saturday from 9 am till 5 pm, so their “Mother” can continue her volunteer work at the nursing home.
This schedule leaves no time for US. I like his children just fine but this is just a little too much. They are 8 months, 5 yrs. old and 12 yrs. old.
How can I convince him thst we come first without totally pushing his kids away?
Thank you and God bless.
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Best solution:
Answer by gina
You will never convince a parent that children cannot come first and you shouldn’t even try. Try asking him instead, ask him what you both can do to spend more time together.
Answer by Poppy
You have to accept that the role you are entering is not new bride, but stepmother. His kids are his life, obviously, and he sounds like a terrific dad. If you want to marry him, you have to ‘marry’ his kids, too. They will be an almost constant presence. If you don’t like that, don’t marry this person.
Answer by Tay
Your a evil woman. These are his kids and kids need their dad.
Your not married yet sweetheart, with that being said, his kids comes FIRST not you. So get off your high horse and go plan your CHEAP wedding on your own.
Answer by Mama Mia
You better think long and hard about whether you always want to be behind his kids on the attention schedule. His youngest is practically a new born and he is already engaged to you? Sorry, but his kids come first, and they will always come first even if you marry and have kids together. Why? Because he had them first, they are his responsibility because he chose to have them . and he is a package deal.
Answer by Coach Simon
You don’t come first! He made the decision (jointly) to bring the children into the world, and he as responsibility for them – and he seem to have an agreement with their mother.
You might think it magnanimous of you to allow him not to “totally push them away”, but you knew what you were getting into when you agreed to marry him, but seem to want him to be irresponsible and selfish. What kind of parent will that make you?
Answer by Poppet
I have nothing polite to say. So, I’ll just say this. You need to realize that you don’t come first. His children do. End of story. If this is a problem for you then you need to find a different man.
Answer by Tiger by the Tail
His kids ARE part of your future. This is a commitment that he made to those kids. If you don’t like it, maybe you should break it off because they will always be around.
Answer by Kashi234
I know this doesn’t answer your question, but it’s wrong for you to want this. I understand that you need to spend time alone together, but don’t you have every week night and most of every other weekend with him alone? As the daughter of divorced parents, I know how important it is to spend time with a father figure. Rather than thinking of them as your burdensome soon to be stepchildren, embrace them as your own children. Don’t try to be their second mother. That would just anger them, but try to act as a guardian. On the weekends, try to spend time with him and his kids together as a family. When you got with this man, you joined the whole family. Act like it! Don’t discourage him from being a good and caring father. Many fathers don’t care, and his kids are lucky to have him.
Answer by Michelle
WOW! You should be thankful that your man is such a great dad. You’re US time should be with spending time with his kids or on Sundays. If you are planning on having kids with him, you will have even less US time. And you don’t come first, his kids do!
Answer by Betty M
You knew when you started dating him that he had children and how much time he spends with them. Now that you’re going to get married, you think you should be number one and the children should come second. It doesn’t work that way and if you try to push these kids aside, they will learn very quickly to hate you.
It’s up to you to fit into their present lives, instead of them giving up their time with their dad so you can have that time for your self. If you can’t be happy married to him with the way things are, then marrying this guy will be a mistake and you should find someone who doesn’t have any children, so you can be number one in his life.
Answer by fnd40
The problem is YOU dont come first. At least not yet. They do. As well they should. I feel for these kids if you are acting this way already. How can you say this is “a little too much”? How dare you? These kids lost the security of thier family and now you want to take a little more of thier dad away from them. You have them to yourself 5 days a week plus every other weekend. WTF? Thats not enough? I hope he sees what a selfish person he’s marrying before it’s too late for those poor kids. Disgusting.
Answer by Barb Outhere
If you can’t/won’t accept that he loves his kids and wants to spend all the time with them that he can, then this man is not the right one for you. Sorry but it IS that simple.
Answer by Another Crone
As a woman who has been a stepmother for 25 years…. I suggest you rethink this marriage. A man with three children is not the man for you. Liking his children just fine won’t hold up through the years. The only way a marriage with a family man works is if you absolutely love his children and are willing to sacrifice a great deal for them for decades to come. It’s all in or all out. I don’t think this is going to work for you. Your fiance is not a dead beat dad who doesn’t want to see his kids anymore than has been court ordered. It sounds like he is a loving and involved father who would go out of his way to spend as much time with his kids as possible.
The only way you get to come first is by putting in the time. About 18 years worth from the sound of it. Three kids will take up your life too. It’ll be more.. not less. It’ll be more of everything and more than you ever dreamed.
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Can I convince my fiance to help me day to prepare our own children and less time to spend more time together?
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