What do you think about the start of my story?

Request made by joannal98: What do you think of the start to my story?

I climb out of bed before my alarm goes off. It’s Friday morning. The sun is streaming through my windows lighting up my large room with it’s illuminous glow. For mid- September it’s surprisingly bright. Everything, it seems, is bright. From the sky blue walls of my bedroom to the lavender coloured duvet cover on my bed and even the deep purple curtains on my window. Everything is bright except for me.

After taking a shower and changing into the darkest clothes I can find in my wardrobe, I abandon my bedroom for the kitchen. I walk slowly down the hard wooden stairs and greet my Mother. “‘Morning,” I mutter, grabbing a loaf of bread in one hand and a knife in the other.

Mom doesn’t even look up from her cup of coffee. “Hi, Jasmine.” She murmurs softly. Her deep green eyes are focused on her mug. It seems like she’s lived on coffee for the past few years. After cutting a slice of bread and putting it into the toaster, I realise that I’m still holding the knife. I twirl the sharpest part of it over my arm until it reaches my wrist. I let it dance over my veins, pausing for a moment at the thought of cutting myself. Just then the toast pops and I drop the knife as if it’s on fire.

After smearing the tiniest amount of butter possible onto my toast, I join Mom at the table. She glances up at me and gives a small smile. I look down at my plate, suddenly not feeling hungry. Well, when am I ever hungry these days?

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So what do you think? What can I improve on etc? And do you think it draws the reader in or is it boring? I’ll take any constructive criticism much appreciated!

This is exactly tips concerning What do you think of the start to my story? that you may possibly wish to fix conditions on his or her. Optimistically this will aid in lots of ways… and to make everything much better. Who wish tips concerning What do you think of the start to my story? may perhaps be a way out at some point.

Best solution:

Answer by Anonymously Named

I don’t know if this will float your boat. But I think it would be better if you change the story into a poem by making it shorter.

Answer by InADarkAlley

Your writing is very direct. The beginning seems more like the start of a new chapter than the start of the book, but you could just open it with a metaphor that could relate to the general idea of the story. It seems really dark, as if the main character is depressed, which I suppose is the truth. Your character needs a little personality. Right now, all of this is action and no inner thought. Give that girl some life, even if it is sad. Otherwise, it was rather easy to read, unlike a lot of books that are like stabbing myself in the eyes. Just remember, practice really does make perfect.

Answer by Anto

Uhm not impressive..

Answer by A

The only criticism I have is to change the beginning if you can. Waking up is overdone when it comes to the beginning of a story. It feels ho-hum, same old, same old. It felt a bit odd how one moment she’s thinking of cutting herself then the environment changes. I think if you just fix up those things, it can have potential. I recommend you posting your work on

http://onparables.com/

You can get feedback/comments and ratings on your work from fellow writers new and experienced!

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Mother and Son with Thermal Imaging

Artwork using Mother and Son with Thermal Imaging

An unusual portrait of mother and son, ha ha! See the previous photo for a self-portrait. If you’ve known me online for a while you’d KNOW I just had to try for these shots. Drewski is very very happy with this photo and wants me to send it out to all his family and friends.

This is not Photoshopped but is a photo I took of the projected image in thermal rendering. Part of an exhibit about photography and digital imaging, this exhibit has the viewer stand at a certain place on the floor and the thermal image captured is projected on a giant screen about 15 feet away. I imagine that the computer program connected to this exhibit allows the programmer to use the cursor in demonstrations. Very fun!

What do you think about the start of my story?